Right! Sorry. Just haven't really had the time. But I do now!! So much has happened in the last year..good & bad but ill just update you on the now.

Sooo I've decided to change the way I've been approaching relationships. Instead of having my guard up all the time, im letting it down..[until u give me a reason to put it up]..then its a wrap 4 u. Im ready for a serious relationship and I've had some good men come my way, but instead of being open and allowing my feelings to show i get cold on em. If they dont call/txt me..i wont call/txt them. if they dont tell me how they feel..i wont tell him how i feel. No more. If im feeling ANY typa way ima let him kno. life is too short to miss out on love b/c of pride & fear. I have a lot to offer. I can be a great g/f when i allow myself to be and im ready to share that with someone. I just want someone who will return the favor..ya know..give me the same love im giving. 

WITH that being said, lol obviously im single [whoomp]. I retracted to my 'playa' ways for a brief sec but it didn't fulfill me. Now im talking to an old friend of mine & things are going good but idk if he's someone I want to be serious with. He wanted us to take it to the next level but at the time I was content with being single, now that I want a relationship..he's lockedup =/ its just for a few more days but idk..its something about jail that turns me OFF! 

Then there's an ex..THEE ex that i cant seem to shake [smh] I just wanna scream sometimes b/c i hate the way I feel about HER! If i had one wish it would be to stop loving her..or for her to be a guy lol I know that sounds weird but i think if she was a guy I could better deal with the BS we'd go thru. Men are easy..women? not so much. My Aunt says I cant shake her b/c she's the 1st (& only) female i've loved & its the same as the 1st male u love. I guess its true b/c even tho my 1st male love is dead, i still love him more than ANYONE and i still compare every guy to him. I think if he was still here I wouldn't be so crazy in love with HER. I just wish I could be more like her [as far as our relationship goes] she isn't as..emotional? as i am, she doesn't..will i cant say how she feels on the inside but the way she acts is so cold sometimes & i cant be like that towards HER [any other person im straight icy to lol but not her] she melts me! she makes me smile , she makes me cry , she gives me butterflies!  she makes me happy but its not mutual & idk WHY I CANT EXCEPT THAT?! I always have a spec of hope that she'll realize that no one will love her as much as I do & that these niggas she messes wit aint about SHYT! but wat can I do? I cant force her to love me & I dont want her if she doesnt want me. &&& i dont want her to want me 'jus until she finds someone else'. We're friends now. & i love it b/c I can talk to her about stuff and not worry if she"ll get mad but sometimes its hard to suppress my feelings..but i want her to be happy. So if tryna be with a dude [] & us jus bein friends is gonna make her happy then Ill deal wit it. I kinda think thats part of the reason why I wont get too serious with a man but fxck it! I gotta do me.

I think she still loves me..i know she still loves me but she's scared of being called GAY [especially since she has a child ] but im scared of being GAY too lls! the difference is i could careless about what ppl think/say if im with the person who makes me HAPPY. Idk I wanna tell her about herself..or wat I think about her but then again Im not tryna take it there & risk losing our friendship. ima just leave it alone I guess. 

ANYWAY, Malachi, Zay & Tay are good. I haven't seen them in a long time since I live in DC now. I see Tay when I go to my moms house. He just turned two & talks sooo clearly & he is sooo tall & skinny...his hair has gotten long too. Last time I saw Mali & Zay they were good, growing and getting smarter. Maybe ill take all 3 of them one weekend..or maybe not! lls Its not that easy for me to just drop em off when they get on my nerves now..mite just get em for a day.

Well thats about it for now..its getting late & i gotta work in the a.m. TTYL!

LOVEPEACE&HAPPINESS

Hey guys! Long time no write, right? Well I have a lot to write about this today!!

This weekend was THEE best weekend ever!!!!!!!! I went to my family reunion and it was soo much fun!

I wanna give day by day details but its confusing b/c about 8 months ago, my dad just found out that he and one of his sisters has about 13 other brothers and sisters from their dad. The reunion was with my grand dad's side ( the Austin's) so I was pretty sceptical about going, seeing as I didn't know any of them. Plus my dad, nor my brother, nor my sister went; but my auntie Hope (one of the sisters my dad grew up w/)went so that made me a little more comfortable. My family is sooooooooooooooooo big!!!! It was a shyt load of ppl everywhere, and the crazy part is...that wasn't even everyone! a lot of ppl weren't even there! My great grandparents had 14 kids, i think 4 or 5 are still alive. My grand dad was the 5th youngest and her had between 10 and 13 kids his self by atleast 5 different women...yea he was a rolling stone lol but the thing I respect about that is he took care/was there for most of them from what I see. At first my dad used to tell us he never knew his dad but now he admits that he did know him but he just didn't want to acknowledge it. My great aunts said that my grand dad used to bring my dad and my aunt around all the time and then one time my he and my grandma got into it and she said he couldn't come around anymore. My dad's other sister(they have different dads) said her dad told her that he remembered my grand dad coming over one day to pick my dad & his sister up and him and my grandma started arguing and that was the last time they saw him. of course idk if my dad remembers that but my aunt was too little to remember it. But I believe that  its true, especially if my other aunt's dad knew about it. My aunt CeCe had a lot of pics of him w/ his kids. So much was going on and so many ppl were trying to get to know me but I wanted to get to know about my grand dad and his kids before I got to know everybody else..that way things would make more sense ya know? Out of all his kids only my aunt Bobbi, CeCe, hope and uncle Mike came. My dad didn't come, my aunt Ann didn't come, Neither did uncle 'Cloud', I have 2 uncles in Cali who didn't come, and my other uncle died when he was a baby; (he was my grandma's son). We grew so close over the weekend. I could tell that we're family by the way we connected and the way we automatically looked out for each other. Most of the Austin's look alike. I've never seen so many pretty people all together lol. Everyone was so receptive and warm towards everyone, including us "new new's" lol. I felt so at home. I cant lie, I always wondered where I came from, now I feel like I got a better sense of self now that I know a little bit about my fam. I'm looking forward to getting closer to everyone. Saturday night me and some of my older cousins went to philly for the Greek Festival. I had so much fun! we all got along so well...and I don't even get along with females, weather they're family or not. My  cousin Sha'nice and I clicked as soon as we saw each other lol come to find out she's gonna be transferring to Howard University in the fall so I know we'll be hanging out all the time. I'm so excited about the future right now! Nothing is more important than family and I'm so proud to be  apart the one I belong to (well the families I belong to..my moms side is the shyt too lol) Even though Im 20 and we missed alot of time together Im still thankful that we have time to catch up and become close. I love my family...Austin's/Rhodes/Plant/Sharp/ 

Hey guys! how is everyone doing? Hope all is well. I have some GOOD NEWS! well more like GREAT NEWS! lizzette doesn't have to go to Iraq!!!!..we don't think. She still has to be come active but they said if she does these nursing classes she might be able to stay in the U.S. or at worse go to Hawaii. Hawaii would be fine with me because I know she'd pay for me to come out there like every weekend lol When she told me that I felt a weight lifted off my back. Iraq is scary! I still don't think I want to be in a romantic relationship with her tho. I like her as a friend. & i'm still not 100% comfortable around her yet; I don't act the same way with her as I do with my friends. Plus I still have old* feelings. I guess I have to give it more time. I just don't see myself developing any feelings for her. My aunt said its wrong to lead people on (which I already know) but either way ill be hurting her because she already has strong feelings. She told me she loves me...ALREADY! its only been 1 month! she doesn't even know me yet! Idk...I'm not good with break ups. I think I just need to be single for a while.

Anyway, my summer has been going so GREAT! I've been having a blast! Erika is in is back in town. She wasn't even back in the DMV (D.C., MD, VA) 5 hrs before she started some shyt! (some things never change). I've realized that its ok to have other friends (besides my besties:brit, tay, &ejay). I haven't necessarily made "new" friends, just gotten closer to associates. I realized that we (brit tay & e) don't always have to do things together and that hanging out with other ppl doesn't make me any less loyal. The music has been keeping me in an upbeat mood lately. Even tho the freakin CD player in my car broke, the radio hasn't let me down...yet lol Today is gonna be pretty nice; I hope the weather isn't too rude. I got invited to about 7 cookouts so Im gonna try to make my way around to them all, of course I have to be late and make an entrance lol I hope there's some nice "ppl" to look at . A bunch of my friends and I are going to watch the fireworks in D.C. tonight, that should be nice. Ill tell you guys about later.

Have a SAFE & fun 4th!

LOVEPEACE&HAPPINESS.